I couldn't manage Manchester United to victory (In the early 2000s)
Believe it or not, I used to be massively into football. As much as a kid whose family couldn't afford to go to matches but had access to all the sports channels could. For a good chunk of my early life into high school, football was my thing. I loved to play it, I loved to watch it, I loved following it to such a silly degree...then I realised my calling was instead to be the biggest nerd wanting to do the big nerd things like making movies and making people laugh.
But maybe it's because I realised pretty early that I couldn't go on to manage Manchester United to victory. In the early 2000s. Even ignoring the fact I'd have to time travel to do so.
I mean, why am I being so precise? I'm from a small town in the East of England called Ipswich. Our team is...well, it's had its ups and downs. We've made it to the Premier League, we won the FA Cup and the UEFA Cup...in the 70s and 80s...
I dunno. I never really had that hometown alliegance to Ipswich Town Football Club. Just a respect for the legacy.
No, growing up I just had this pull towards Manchester United. I don't even know why, you'd think I'd follow my dad's support of Liverpool if I wasn't going local, but nah. Man U. You say that, people scoff. Especially now, we're not that good compared to then.
Not that that's hard. It was the 90s. They once beat Ipswich Town 9-0. Manchester United have won the league 13 times, dropping to only 2nd in the 90s two times. Even the 2000s were very good times.
It's this window of hardcore Manchester United support I lived in. Forever shunned for being a "glory whore" or something, I dunno. I couldn't help it that the team was so good, everything just aligned perfectly.
Early on as a kid I had it in my head that maybe I could play for United. I used to want to Bend it Like Beckham, except my story would have (unfortunately) 100% less Keira Knightley. It wasn't until I realised, "Shit, I'm not actually that good at football" when my dreams went elsewhere.
In probably the biggest precursor to being full-fledged nerd, there was one season where I meticulously tracked the stats of United. There was an issue of Manchester United's magazine that came with a pullout tracker and on that I wrote down every goal, every result, the players, etc. The peak of it was watching things like Soccer Saturday when United didn't have a game on TV and I would just watch the pundits and the live results and consume football that way, forever keeping an eye on United and every other team that season.
So, it may come to no surprise that while FIFA used to be in rotation in my Playstation and, weirdly, UEFA Champions League on my PC...Football Manager games became the thing for me. Even now, I will pick up Football Manager on the PC and have a small period of time getting into it.
Championship Manager, Football Manager, and whatever random-ass other versions I had demos for, were my shit. You're telling me I can turn this stupid deep-dive into statistics and constant drip-feeding of football knowledge into a game where I can control everything? And I'm gonna be good at it.
No. I was not good at it.
Well, that's a bit mean. I may not be that guy who played a 100 simulated years of Football Manager and I may not have taken Torquay United across Europe, but it turns out...My young mind sorta went down one road with management sims that weren't exactly the most realistic.
I used to tell my parents, yeah, I'll manage Manchester United someday. I didn't know how that would even happen. I barely knew how to play for Manchester United. It's the same narrow-mind that was all "Yeah, I can join the Cambridge Footlights and then be the biggest comedian".
If they looked at how I used to play Football Manager however, they definitely would have been proud I didn't give up academics (until, you know, I gave them up to be creative)
Thing is, when you drown yourself in stats and who's good in not just your team, but across the league and across Europe, you're gonna think "Well, clearly I just need to put everyone on the same team".
That's...That's not how it works. But fuck me for trying as I led my virtual Manchester United. Let's grab Ronaldo from Real Madrid, Edgar Davids from Jueventus, let's get Totti, it was like I was casting the fucking Nike Secret Tournament adverts all over again. I probably would have time travelled and got Eric Cantona or some shit.
There's a truth universally acknowledged with this line of thinking that has sorta dripped into other areas.
Money man. And Manchester United definitely had money at that point in time, but...There comes a cost.
I'm a lot more balanced in my thinking these days. Sure I'll play a simulation game like Two Point Hospital or Planet Coaster and wonder why I'm bleeding money, but it's a lot more managable than buying the freaking European All-Stars.
But I just wasn't having it. I was hell-bent on creating the ultimate side and lost focus on the fact that Manchester United had a really good team by default. Except maybe buying Peter Schmeichel back to replace Fabien Barthez. But that was just personal preference and bitterness over him fucking up against West Ham that one time.
Nowadays, my following of football is near to non-existent. I'll watch the World Cup, I'll watch the Euros, hell I'll sometimes watch the FA Cup Final, but that's really it if anything. I don't know the entire Manchester United squad by heart, let alone any other team.
Yet...I'll still play Fantasy Football. The true extension and continuation to me approaching everything the wrong way. If I wasn't already admitting to be wrong about managing Manchester United by creating the European All-Stars, how about trying to create the Premier League All-Stars on a budget.
Compared to all the manager games I've played, Fantasy Football I've always been bad at. I can only have X amount of players from a team, I can't just buy half of a team? I can't stack a position? I've only got 100 points but I can't top-load with the best players?
That's the thing. People are smart with fantasy football. They'll know to spread the team with consistent players that fly under the radar. It's not just strikers and goalies. It's the people that make those positions work.
I'd never be safe with a football team's money, virtual, fantasy, or otherwise. I guess at the end of the day, I really am just the glory whore. When in reality I should just Moneyball everything.
Also...fuck Football Manager making me give the same speeches every half-time.