I couldn't do something competitive professionally
The other day I had a very nice time hanging with friends, playing arcade games, throwing axes, shooting some crazy golf, bowling...And all throughout the fun times and the jokes being made and the silly stuff happening, I am constantly reminded of something quite key about myself...
I couldn't do something competitive professionally.
And I'm not just talking competitive sports. Whether I was a kid playing football or in my adolescence playing basketball, there was always a small fire in myself, constantly trying to be better, trying to be good. But athletic ability at my peak is only slightly above average. I can shoot a 3-pointer, but even an ambitious seagull could swat it out of the air.
At my best, I'm probably the most consistent 2nd place in competitive tasks ever known. Second place is commendable. Silver medal. People tend to shit on second place saying surely it's better to be third if not first because it's better to not just miss out on the top spot. And 1) Fuck you, second place is a great spot to be in and B) Fuck you, you're kinda right.
When my competitive nature kicks in, it truly reminds me that I can't be like that professionally. When I get competitive, it's like I'm Michael Jordan in all the ways except being the GOAT. I will fight to win, and I will not always win, and that gets me worked up.
Honestly, you know people have their superstitions, when I get into something I will have every superstition and ritual in the effort to succeed. I won't drink before a quiz to keep me sharp, I'll take off my watch because I need full circulation to my hands, if there's something wrong it will inevitably be down to the tools I've been given, not myself.
I know I am insufferable in competition. But I won't exactly change that behaviour whether I win or lose, everything is amplified.
I commend people who go through the Olympics and don't throw a tantrum missing out on gold. Going to the Olympics must be what it feels like being good at sports in primary school and then going to high school and realising everyone is good at sports and statistically...probably even better than you are. Times a million. The Olympics or other world championships are places when you realise just how crazy and talented other people are.
One year at Comic-Con I entered a Street Fighter V tournament sponsored by an energy drink company that does not make you fly, but evidently through the amount of their drink they gave me during the tournament, gives you a hyperactive bladder and the ability to see through time. I was dominating to such a degree I legitimately feared how the heck I was going to explain to my boss I needed time off work to go to Japan to compete in the finals.
Obviously, as I write this in the cafe of the workplace I am still at, I am not a world championship-winning Street Fighter V player. Because when the true pros came out, and I switched it fully on, I was still not that good.
And it's there where my competitive streak kicks into gear. I get it stuck in my head that I am so good at such a thing, mostly video games, but also weird stuff like pirate-themed mini golf or beer pong or quizzes about popular culture that when I do fail or are pipped to the post in some way...It's like I'm John McEnroe. Forever outraged when things don't go my way.
Speaking of John McEnroe I once threw a tennis racket to the floor when I was losing and it pinwheeled through the air and hit a girl passing by in the face. Her brother later confronted me and I thought I was dead meat. He just thought it was rad as fuck. We were 9, and it was not rad as fuck. I am forever sorry to that person for that freak accident.
Though I mean...It is kinda funny in hindsight...
Ultimately, I am destined to be the best person in second place forever. There's times I have come first, whether that's being a two-time Mario Kart champion or a three-time Halo doubles champion or a one-time most likely to succeed in screenwriting person...there's still many times where I just haven't been good enough.
Which, really, is rewarding in its own way. To be consistently the best is rewarding because, you know, you're winning everything. To have a competitive drive and not always win is rewarding because it will spur you on and keep you on your toes. It makes you insufferable, sure. It makes the people around you well aware that if you switch it on, it's gonna be a mess. And mostly...It's just so, so draining.
So sure, let's go best 2 out of 3. Just know that honey, you've got big a storm comin'.